The Internal Conflict of Bella Swan
by LeighK81
Summary: This story is about Bella finally realizing herself worth and her journey towards that conclusion. Takes place after Eclipse and before the wedding. EXB. BPOV. EPOV Previously entitled: Inner Turmoil


**DISCLAIMER: All books and characters in the Twilight Saga are property of Stephenie Meyer. No copy-right infringement intened.**

Jealousy

_Edward loves me and only me. _I kept on repeating in my mind over and over again like a silent affirmation. It was exactly two minutes ago that Edward told me that the whole Denali clan – Tanya's clan would attend our wedding.

Regardless of the fact that he told me over and over again that there was no competition; I still couldn't help but to feel fear at the idea of a beautiful, immortal woman within a small radius of my fiancé. I knew my jealousy was well deserved, and Tanya being at wedding was probably the universe's way of punishing me for my infidelity.

"Bella, love, please talk to me," He pleaded.

Instead of answering him, I turned my face away. I knew my rejection at his request was hurting him, and I hated myself for it. It seemed that my very existence meant torture for Edward. The scent of my blood causes his throat to burn like no other human can, and my clumsiness puts him in a constant state of worry.

I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. He fell in love with a weak and plain-looking human girl, me. He deserved so much better. He deserved someone who was as strong, beautiful as he was, someone like Tanya – someone who would never cheat on him.

Edward sighed. "Are you still jealous?"

He gently traced his finger down the side of my face as I continued to stir in silence.

"I already told you that Tanya holds no claim or power over me. The only woman, no person, in the universe that does is you.

Bella, look at me."

He gently cupped my chin in his cold, granite hand and slowly turned my head to face him. I was too much of a coward to look him in the eyes. I didn't want him to see my vulnerability nor my pain. I couldn't let him know how much Tanya's presence at the wedding would hurt me.

If only I was at least a semi decent actress I wouldn't have any difficulties with pulling this off. I wouldn't allow myself the luxury of selfishly asking Edward to decline's Tanya's invitation. I had no right to make such an immature request, especially not when Edward stopped making me chose between Jacob and him. The worst part of it all, though, was that he would grant me my request without a second thought.

I would just have to hide my pain from him to the best of my ability. Perhaps if I talked to Jasper he would manipulate my emotions for me.

"Bella, please open your eyes. If it bothers you that much; I'll call Tanya and ask her not to come."

"No," I yelped out as I opened my eyes.

"Tanya is my friend, but you'll always come first in my life. If her presence at _our _wedding would cause you even the miniscule amount of distress - then I don't want her there," he declared.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek as my mind registered the idea of him making such an unnecessary sacrifice for my happiness.

"Honestly, Edward I'm not jealous anymore. I know you love me and Tanya is no competition," I responded in half-truths.

It was true; she wasn't any competition but that did nothing to ease my envy. She was just all around better for him and definitely more deserving of him than I could ever be. If he was with her, he wouldn't have to go though the pain of changing her. She was already an immortal, already a vampire.

"I know you're hiding something from me," Edward pressed.

I snuggled my face into his chest. "I'm not hiding anything," I muttered into his ivory shirt.

He sighed. "I know you're lying. I just wish you would tell me what's honestly on your mind. Could it possibly be that I still have to earn your trust –"

I turned my mouth away from his chest.

"No, please don't think that Edward. I trust you, I really do," I cut him off.

He gently ran his fingers through my hair. "Then what is it, love?"

I took a deep breath preparing myself for what I was going to request. "Edward, you would give me anything I asked," I said matter-of-factly.

"Within in reason." His body tensed beneath mine.

"Well I want you to let this go. I need this one obstacle to be mine and mine alone."

"Obstacle?" He asked as he raised his eyebrows.

"Yes, obstacle," I verified.

Obstacle was the perfect word to describe this inner turmoil that I was going through. An inner turmoil I only had myself to blame; and that only _I _could save myself from.

I knew that wasn't playing fair. It greatly stressed Edward that my mind was the one mind that he couldn't read; my request for him to let this go only strengthened the barrier. I already knew the way he would respond if I told him how I really felt, and I couldn't in good conscience expect him to choose between his friend and me.

He contemplated for a few minutes before he answered me. "Fine, I will let it go, if it'll make you happy."

"Thank you," I said before I placed a small peck on his lips.

I let out a loud and lingering yawn. Today had been a long and stressful day with all the wedding planning and the news of certain vampire female clan attending our wedding. It wasn't until an hour and half ago that Alice finally released me from my responsibilities of helping to pick out the perfect napkins, floral arrangements, and the menu choices for the wedding.

"Time for the human to go to bed," chuckled Edward as he carried me over to the king-size bed.

"I'm not tired," I protested as he pulled the gold covers over my exhausted form.

Edward ignored my futile attempt to fight off the sleep my body desperately needed, and lay down besides me. I nestled my body into his and waited for the notes of my lullaby send me into a dream state.

**AN: I still plan on continuing my other stories. Unfortunately they are writing really slow and I have writer's block with all of them. I'll update them as soon as I can. Since it's taking so long I'll start updating them and this one as I write the chapters.**


End file.
